It's about 6 a.m., and I shouldn't be awake yet. But I am, so I thought I would make the best of it. I couldn't concentrate enough to read, but after a little coffee jolt I thought I could at least transcribe my initial thoughts on "Solipsist." I actually read this book several years ago -- possibly as far back as high school. It's an intriguing book, supposedly fiction but so deep inside the character's head you wonder if Rollins isn't writing about himself. It reminds me of the feeling I got reading "Notes from Underground" -- a sort of diary of a madman who may or may not actually be mad. This character is a true solipsist, which the back of the book so generously defines for us as one who believes the only verifiable reality is the self.
We find out the character's name is Robert Fulton. He's basically a recluse inside his own mind. He does venture out but interacts with strangers only to his chagrin. His anxiety about potential conversations causes him to practice smiles and casual phrases in a mirror to prepare for the outside world. Apparently he's spent a good amount of time there -- everywhere he goes people he doesn't know call him by name. So he may have Rollins-like fame, or maybe he was a boxer. The only clue so far is that he spent "too many nights knocking my guts out for the approval of strangers" (34). Either way, he has developed a "me versus them" attitude that seems to represent fear cloaked in hatred. Yet he participates in a small percentage of the niceties he detests. When he's unable to simply look at the ground and avoid eye contact, human interaction makes him feel like he's drowning. We can all relate to some extent, at least to the feeling of not being able to escape an awkward situation. When it's finally over, he says the feeling of relief was "like being let up for air after having your head held underwater" (32).
Basically, the whole book is one long awesome quotation, but I've managed to pick out a few that really stuck out to me in the first 34 pages.
"If I was a woman these days, I'd be killing motherfuckers. My handgun would never be cool and my hands would be covered in testicular blood. I would have a horrible reputation with a lot of men because I would be calling them on their weak bullshit left and right." (9)
"I tried to love and failed. I tried to hate and got bored." (9)
"I know you think about sex all the time. I know you have killed people in your mind. I know that you say a lot of things to yourself that you would never say out loud. I know you say a lot of things you don't mean for fear of what the other chicken shit lying motherfuckers will say about you." (10)
"Maybe it's time to rebel! Rebellion? You mean that neurotic posturing you do before apathy sets in and The Simpsons comes on?" (10)
"When you allow yourself to trust someone, you never really do all the way, so why lie?" (20)
"I turn around and he comes up and tells me that I kicked him in the head when he was nineteen. I struggle for something to say but the only word that comes out is, 'Good.'"
Pause for feeling of satisfaction.
"He says he has a son now and he is also a fan of mine. I recover in time to attempt to use humor. 'Well, bring him over sometime and I'll kick him too.' I laugh, he laughs. I do the smile that I practiced in the mirror and the wave that I saw in a movie and keep walking. That's a wrap. Good scene" (33).
- acrimony = harsh or bitter disposition
- misanthropy = hatred, dislike or distrust of humankind
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